Stormy Consciousness

I've been feeling stormy as of late. Of course, I am still fundamentally hopeful and appreciative of life. But I feel stormy. It didn't help that my sister N came by to grab dinner with me and discovered a pamphlet that had been left in my door...a pamphlet on "comfort for the depressed," courtesy of the Jehovah's Witnesses. Ugh. At first, I couldn't see any of these pamphlets on neighboring doors and I wondered if I had somehow been targeted! But alas, there were several to be spotted on nearby doors.

But this stormy feeling was furthered by dinner conversation. My sister N and I are quite open with each other and tonight she confessed to perceiving that I have been very weak these past couple of years. She said that throughout my 20s I always seemed resilient and when one thing didn't work out, I was on to the next with renewed optimism and a remarkable fortitude. The last two years however, she says that I have been far more emotional, weak, and introspective than she's ever been aware of. In no way do I take this negatively. I think there is much truth to that. In my 20s I was so outwardly resilient and although I believe myself to have always been introspective, I really pushed that awareness down for so long...deeper and deeper, until it overwhelmed me.

Yes, the past few years have consisted of serious self-reckoning and there is nothing particularly carefree and "fun" about that. But it has been necessary and it has brought about great things. My sister and I also talked about innate self and whether that should and/or even could be altered. We both acknowledged that we each have innate behaviors and that despite our efforts to alter those behaviors, we are who we are. It seems that my 20s were spent fighting who I really was, trying to be someone else, while slowly realizing that I wanted to be who I really am. So, I flipped. I have attempted to completely indulge who I am and deal with all the heavy lessons of those years of denying my true self. I went from one extreme to the next. But I am ready for a middle ground. Yes, I am who I am. But there is a sad resignation in just allowing myself to "be" without thinking about some improvement. Not changing myself but evolving myself.

The back of the Jehova's Witness pamphlet discusses "When No One will Be Depressed Again." The paragraph reads, "What a relief it will be for humankind to be freed of the burdens of the past and to awaken each day with crystal-clear minds, eager to tackle the day's activity! No longer will anyone be hampered by the cloud of depression." Hmph. I don't like this and I think this sort of thinking is what makes us feel so dejected as humans. I don't think that one day in this human life we wake up and just "get it." Even with tremendous enlightenment, conversion, or incredible self-awareness. Maybe in the beyond-life this might be true. But I think it is ridiculous to expect that this feeling of "depression" will suddenly be out of our lives forever. Sure, this quote is absolutely open to interpretation. But to me, it mentions nothing of the beauty of embracing sadness/depression. It seems too naive and really, undesirable.

No, I think that life is a beautiful struggle. Each day is a challenge and I prefer to look at it along the terms of Narcissus and Goldmund, which I finished reading this afternoon. (My review will come in the next post). But essentially, this tale reveals that the struggle itself is absolutely human and thus, perfect - all suffering contains happiness and vice versa. Each day requires a renewed strength. Sure, with age ideally comes wisdom. But even wisdom has its challenges and as humans, there will always be struggle because there is always beauty. Why should we expect to conquer life? Why should we expect all the beauty and none of the suffering? Just how much would we appreciate life? So no, I don't think that we are going to see a day in this human life in which we are no longer affected by sadness/depression anymore. Of course, some days will be all happiness and sunshine. Others will be dark and melancholy. And sometimes, for no clear reason.

In the same regard, why should we expect to conquer the "dark" side of our true selves? When my sister and I talked about that innate self, I couldn't help but feel that there is nothing particularly bad about that "dark" side, just as there is nothing bad/wrong with suffering. It is a counterbalance. I like the image that I've attached to this post. The storm cloud is imposing and dark, seemingly ferocious. But look at that brilliant sunlight and how majestic it makes that cloud. The two may initially seem at odds with each other but they really gain something tremendously awe inspiring together, don't they?

With that, I'll leave you with a quote from probably my favorite television character ever, Chris Stevens (played by John Corbett...yes, the John Corbett who played Aidan on Sex & The City) from Northern Exposure (what a great show...I need those DVDs!):

"There's a dark side to each and every human soul. We wish we were Obi-Wan Kenobi, and for the most part we are, but there's a little Darth Vader in all of us. Thing is, this ain't no either-or proposition. We're talking about dialectics, the good and the bad merging into us. You can run but you can't hide. My experience? Face the darkness. Stare it down. Own it. As brother Nietzsche said, being human is a complicated gig. So give that ol' dark night of the soul a hug. Howl the eternal yes!"


*Image nabbed from here.