A few days ago at work I was starting a new project, mostly travel and scenic images, and I came across an image of five horses moving across a field together. They were moving at a pace between a trot and a canter. The horse in the foreground was chestnut with white socks and the camera captured her motion in such an extraordinary way. She was so beautiful and strong, graceful and purpose driven. As I looked at her, I felt this strange sensation. I wanted to be her. And then I wondered if I was her.
That very night I had a dream that I was in this gloomy, overcast town and an ominous feeling overcame me. I felt trapped and wondered if I could fly away. So I concentrated for a few minutes and found myself hovering just above the ground. I slowly moved down this eerie street until I reached a small building that people were entering. I followed them in. I knew my horse was in there. We were one. I felt her anxiety, her captivity. I did not see her but I knew she was there with every inch of my being. I could feel her. Very abruptly, I could perceive that they were going to kill her...that this was some sick act for entertainment. I was horrified and knew the only way to get away from that horrific scene was to fly away.
So, once again, I concentrated and was slowly hovering away from that place. I was still just barely off the ground and had to cross a fast moving river ahead. I was shaky and convinced myself that I was going to fail flying over the river and drown. So I hesitated before crossing. And then I thought about my horse...what she must be going through back there and how could I have left her. And just as immediately as these two fears paralyzed me, I had a profound awakening. I didn't leave her. She was me. She was with me, every part of me. I rescued her. I rescued myself. As soon as I started to realize this, I was over the river and flying so fast and so high up in the sky. It was exhilarating. I was free.
And then suddenly, I dropped down from the clouds and was flying through the high desert and into this beautiful place with the most majestic snow covered mountain range I've ever seen. The air was so clear and the people below me were living their daily lives. I passed a resort with rich travelers. I passed over a barn with simple, humble farm workers tending a stable of horses. I passed over young adults snowboarding. I felt as though in that brief glimpse of those lives, I was so alive and so free.
Yet, despite my independence, I was truly one with it all. And then I ascended back into the clouds and was flying fast again. And I wondered, with a bursting soul, where I would end up next. I knew that it would be another beautiful place but thoroughly enjoyed that it would be a surprise. I also knew that the place I started in no longer existed for me. I had overcome that obstacle and my confidence and courage made me fly so high and so fast. And the horse...she was me. I was her. And that oneness gave me the confidence and courage to fly.
So, what does this tell me (you) about my Personal Legend? A lot. But first things first. For most of you, it will come as no shock when I tell you that a significant part of my Personal Legend (I don't believe our PL is ONE and ONLY ONE "thing." Rather, I think that there are components) is that I am a writer. I've talked with several of you about this (most recently, La Belette Rouge) before. Although I have abandoned my editorial career and my freelance writing, I still consider myself a writer. I don't have to be currently engaged in writing something to claim this, either. It is who I am to the core. I have known this almost all of my life. It is who I am. Sure, my job is working with stock photography, but that's not my PL. It's funny because I think that we should almost have business cards with our PL on them when we are very young. When we meet people, we should give them our card identifying our PL. No phone number or email for networking... just that statement. And that is how we should represent ourselves. Not by what we do to sustain a living but by who we truly are.
At an early age, I was devouring books. I would write my own stories (even if just in my head) or just think of things in abstract ways and write them down. I never stood on the kitchen table during dinner and declared, "I am a writer!!" My parents were great about letting me get books and encouraging my interests to an extent, but realizing my PL was never a bold and focused realization. It was just there, most often on a subconscious level, perhaps. So, when people tell me that they don't have a PL and have never known their PL, I feel that is completely false. We all have one. Some have just been buried deeper over time. My PL was there and I never lost sight of it for long. However, like so many, I denied it and convinced myself that I needed to be practical and establish a "real" career, blah, blah, blah. So, my 20s were spent denying a lot of who I was. But even when I abandoned business and pursued publishing and freelance writing, I felt disappointed. I realized that as much as I am a writer, I don't want it to become a job for me. As soon as something becomes a job and I am dependent upon it to survive, the inspiration just vanishes. I also know for certain that being published is not necessary for me to feel I am really living out my PL. I just want to be truly proud of what I write, even if only a few close friends/family ever see it.
So, that seems easy, right? I mean, in a lot of ways, I am living out my PL already. I may have to work full time and deal with all the other responsibilities of life, but I can write and I am continually inspired. That is not a wasted life by any means in my estimation. But there is another huge component of my PL that I feel is mounting in significance. I have this overwhelming feeling that my being a writer and living my life to the fullest is very dependent upon my going to France. I was there last year for one week and it was incredible. But I know that I need to go back. And I don't know much more than that. I don't know that I have to move there permanently but I know I have to go for at least a month for now.
Something tells me that Paris is significant but I also have this sneaking suspicion that Paris is a gateway to something more... something I cannot yet envision. But it is crucial. My going to Europe in the very near future is absolutely necessary to my PL. And this component seems so intriguing to me. I mean, I have known for most of my life that I am a writer and again, not being worried about being a prolific writer, a published writer, etc. really relieves pressure that other writers likely feel. But the pressing urgency to go to Europe (namely Paris and other parts of France) is undeniable. I cannot explain where this feeling came from or what it means. It is more than just wanting to go away on vacation and see the world. It is so much more than that. And the more I think about it, I realize it has been floating around in my subconscious for most of my life. My fascination with French, my taking French language lessons over other choices, my French heritage on my father's side. It has all been there and maybe I did just assume for so long that my attraction to Paris/France was superficial... just to travel for vacation or because it was a chic place to long for. But no... it is so much more than that and I must do something now.
So, this is where I'm at. I'm a writer... who must go travel to free my soul further... to live my life fully ... to get closer to my Personal Legend. And I am going to make it happen. I will be in Paris/France/Europe for at least one month in the summer of 2008. I refuse to exist in this world... to deny what will likely be the breakthrough of my life when it is within arm's reach. I am not going for answers or in expectation that a month in Paris/France/Europe will resolve everything I desire. I am going because I choose to live my PL and no longer simply dream about it while resigning myself to a "half-life."
And this brings me back to my dream of the horse. When I thought about it the few days that followed, I realized that the horse and I are one but initially, I was treating the two as separate. And she/I was in danger...those people would surely have ruined her if she/I let them. And maybe those people in that initial scene are critics in my own life... people who think chasing my PL is silly. Over time, criticism from others and denial by oneself an surely kill a person's dreams/PL, just as I could potentially allow such to kill mine (the horse).
I was able to fly in this dream purely because I wanted to... I willed it to happen. When I believed in myself, I could fly but was only hovering at first. The river represents one of my greatest fears... water. In order to cross that and fly high and fast to beautiful places, I had to realize my oneness with the horse (me living out my PL). As instantly as I acknowledged our oneness, I could fly and found only beautiful places. I don't know... my dream analysis surely needs work. But that dream is so symbolic and I think I do get it, completely. I am that strong horse and I can fly. Realizing my PL only requires repeating that statement with increasing confidence. And when I utter those words, I am saying to myself and the world: "I am a writer and I am going to Paris!!!"
The rest is up to the universe to unfold in due time. And just as with my dream, I know that in pursuing my PL, I will be continually surprised but will always find life beautiful.
24 comments:
Bonjour, B!!!
I so relate to your sense that following your inner call to Paris is a step in a process. I don't think we get all of the call at once---just as much information as we can act on. It is my sense that the ego would rebel if we knew all the details. Campbell says the her is always reluctant to take the journey.
Not sure why, but your post makes me think of something Carolyn Myss wrote ( I am not a huge fan of hers as she appropriated Jung's notion of archetypes without giving him due credit) anyways, she basically says, 'If you can figure out how to do something on your own it isn't big enough.' A task is worth doing if it requires you to connect with your "Self" or Soul or if you want to get transpersonal about it, "Higher Self."
Your dream is a powerful one. What a lovely affirmation of your act of boldness in telling others you are going to Paris. "I was able to fly in this dream purely because I wanted to... I willed it to happen." Big stuff, B!
I would explore, if you are so inclined, what part of your psyche wants to kill that horse. I know that in me there is a part that has tried to kill my passion and sense of freedom. It sounds a lot like a super-ego. It tells me all the rules of life and how things work and how I am a dreamer and what I should be is in a MBA program.
Being above the young adults on snowboards and the rich people in the resort is really interesting. How is that kind of vacation different than the kind you and your horse are going on?
The nice thing about having a horse as your psychic companion on your journey is that you can jump all manner of hurdles and run when all others can do is walk. Lucky, you!!
I found this link on the symbolism of horses that you might find helpful.
http://www.whats-your-sign.com/horse-symbol-meanings.html
À bientôt,
LBR
A great post. I feel everything you have written in it because I have been there a number of times. I find my job, what I do in order to exist mind numbing at best and soul shrivelling at worst.
I agree that we all have dreams (what you call a PL) and images of who we are and those who deny them are being disingenuous. Tinkerer, writer, filmmaker, explorer are all part of who I want to be. I think some people are lucky in being narrowly focussed to the point of obsession about a single thing. Unfortunately, I have never been that way. I am a dilettante.
I think you might enjoy Joseph Pieper's Culture: The Basis of Leisure (even if it is a very hard to read philosophical book). His basic argument is that we have stripped away the essence of what makes us human: leisure. Not leisure in the sense of empty indulgence, but leisure to let our souls grow. He characterized weekends not as a time of leisure, but as a time of recovery (which is something I can vouch for. For years, I have known that it takes me 5-7 days to fully unwind from a week of work. I never found weekends long enough. I am fortunate now to have a long weekend every other week and on my Friday off I do nothing but detox - which helps me to be a nicer person the rest of the weekend).
I hope you find fulfillment in Paris. However, I caution that perhaps you are experiencing the desire to flee. I know I have experienced the desire to run away a few years ago. I imagined myself just hopping on a plane and going somewhere warm and disappearing.
Balancing the pursuit of our dreams and fulfillment against the practical need to live is difficult. Fortunately, you have more axes of freedom than I do and I hope you succeed in finding peace and happiness.
"After a time, you may find having is not so pleasing a thing after all as wanting. It is not logical – but it is often true." - Spock in Star Trek's Amok Time
Great post.
And that is how we should represent ourselves. Not by what we do to sustain a living but by who we truly are.
How true is this. "So what do you do?" I write but I work at x/y/z to pay the bills. It's sad what we've chosen to define ourselves by.
As for the allure of Paris, I think part of it is because you're a writer first and foremost, and what city can come to mind but that one when thinking of such an endeavor?
I will admit to a small, teeny tiny tinge of overwhelming jealousy towards you and LBR with your Paris trips next year. :)
LBR... It is definitely a process and what would life be if otherwise? As you say, we would surely rebel and subconsciously choose chaos and the unknown for the most part. Well, I know I would at least!
I don't know that I am familiar with Carolyn Myss but I tend to agree with that statement. I think that not only does it require us to connect with our "higher Self" but also with others. I've found in my own life that when I have allowed others to help me or be a part of my task/goal, I have gained so much insight and the experience has been incredibly rich as a result.
As cheesy as it sounds, the affirmation of saying my goal in a definitive way is huge for me (okay, that is cheesy because it immediately drew up the vision of Stuart Smalley on SNL repeating his daily affirmations in his mirror..."I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me!) Cheesy or not, it works. Saying, "I'd really like to be in Paris next year," just doesn't cut it for me. It sounds like a wish that will never be fulfilled. But asserting it as a fact changes everything. It is willing it to happen, just as I did with flying in my dream.
It's interesting that you mention the superego and what part of me wants to kill the horse. At first, when I read your comment, I was shocked. I mean, I don't wantto kill her at all. But then, I thought about the superego and realize that there is something in me that cankill her and although I would like to attribute that to outside forces, really, the most considerable opposing force to our dreams and true self is ourself.
Being above people was an interesting aspect of the dream. I felt as though I was glimpsing their lives and part of it all but that I was also living a singular journey that transcends just a vacation. And in no way do I consider it a superior lifestyle or capacity, just a more authentic and liberating life. My horse and I not only get to experience the beauty of these places but the vantage point by which we are living out these experiences transcends our existence into something magical.
I do feel fortunate and proud that the horse is my psychic companion. I wish I could post that image on my blog but maybe the irony in not being able to do so (the image belongs to a stock photography house and is rights-managed) is beautiful. I don't need to see "her" to know she and I are one. I can call upon her strength and courage easily, even if it is not physically visible.
Thank you for the link to horse symbolism. I enjoyed reading that and feel that truly, my horse does symbolize the fruition of my Personal Legend. But the fact that the dream began with her near death also makes me realize that despite her strength and courage, she could easily be killed and for no heroic or compelling reason/sacrifice. Aren't symbols wonderful? They are these brilliant sparks in our perception of things and produce a meaning that words alone cannot always provide.
Thank you for the thought provoking ideas and questions here, too. The more I share this dream, the more lucid its meaning becomes. And I feel so fortunate to have had this experience and benefit from other perspectives, including yours!
Merci beaucoup!
Richard... thank you. I am happy to hear that you could feel everything I was expressing in this post. It feels wonderful to be able to relate with others. I often wonder if truly, there are VERY few people who are extremely focused on a narrow dream. Maybe my own experience clouds my ability to see these others but there are just so many interesting things to discover, it seems impossible (again, to me) to limit oneself.
I will look into Pieper's book. I certainly agree with the premise. And yes, weekends are not that kind of leisure. They truly are a limited time in which we expect ourselves to decompress and find vitality once again before going back to work on Monday. I also have to have time to detox so that I can be a better person to the world and myself. Some of my friends and acquaintances don't understand my very regular need to have at least one day or weekend each week to be alone...to detox, as you say. But I know that without that precious brief time, I could easily become a wretched individual.
Your comment about being cautious not to see Paris as an opportunity to flee was very apt in my life some recent years past. When I first got divorced, I wanted to go to Paris and live for a year. I was so set on doing that and a couple of really close people in my life cautioned me about the very same thing you are now. And I knew that I was trying to flee at that time. I knew that fleeing to Paris would not bring fulfillment in those conditions but it was still very tempting. I struggled off and on with the notion of going to Paris for several years, wondering if I was truly going to explore and expand my life or if I just wanted to get away and chase some closure that can only come by confrontation.
Now I feel that I am not looking to Paris as some opportunity to flee. My past realizations about fleeing are definitely a considerable factor for why I am only going to live in Paris for a month or so in 2008. I am not going to sell all of my belongings and just flee. It will be more than a vacation for me, however. And the rest will just have to unfold itself in due time.
I am happy with my life as it is right now. Of course, I know there is more to life than just this and I need to take that initiative we were discussing in the comments from my previous post. I cannot convey in words just how "right" this trip will be for me. Even the act of just going is huge for my life.
Having is certainly not as pleasing as wanting. But there is a progression (and we are not talking about material "having" here)... you take a step and you gain something (in this case, I would say experience and perspective) and once you have gained that perspective, you build upon it with another step (experience) and another step. Each step adds a layer and there is an infinite number of steps to be taken. I think that quote by Spock is only really harrowing for the person who believes that there is a limited supply of perspective (experience, etc.) to be had.
Randal... It is sad that we have "chosen" to identify ourselves by our jobs. I remember lusting after a job in which I would have business cards and feel legitimate because of it. And funny, I've quit at least three jobs in which I received my business cards maybe a week or two before I left the company.
No doubt Paris is inspiring because it is so beautiful and rich with a history of writers. But again, there is this deeper layer for me where Paris is concerned. And I cannot explain it. I just know it.
No teeny tiny tinge of jealousy needed. Paris is big enough for the three of us and then some! :)
what a great way to finish my day - by reading this post.
love the idea of people putting their personal legends on their cards - great way to humanize a meeting! everyone introduces themselves and their legends, and how they came to be together, before getting down to business.
i agree about writing as work / profession. i was writing / directing a corpumentary this time last year and i have never been so miserable. but they were paying well so i continued. when we write solely for financial gain the inspiration dries up due to the attachments we have around money - it removes spontaneity and objectivity.
lastly, i doff my hat to anyone who has the courage to follow their hearts, reject a 'half life' and to express themselves in this world as you do.
this post was a total treat, B. as i said the other day - keep writing from the heart.
it reminded me of great things, inspired me to keep going and made me feel like i am not alone.
Take a Year Out... can you feel the virtual hug I am sending to you right now? What a touching comment coming from someone whom I esteem so highly and draw inspiration and strength from on a daily basis. I always feel this tremendous sense of gratitude when we interact because I too feel that I am not alone in how I perceive life.
You also challenge me tremendously and accept me so willingly. I have been positively challenged by many people throughout my life but that simultaneous depth of acceptance is so beautiful and says so much about your tremendous character. I often catch a glimpse of what other people think of me for being so passionate about life and I cringe because I feel so misunderstood. And that can be a lonely feeling at times. So, thank you for this comment... it means so much to me.
I like the idea of personal legends on a business card, if not for the simple notion itself. I think about how often people talk about another person who is absent and refer to their job/profession to help identify that person. In the context of work, I can understand it but otherwise, it seems so trite. "You remember Bob, the insurance salesman?" Pause. "Oh, Bob!!" Poor Bob. His immediate identity has been reduced to an insurance salesman. And not that there is anything wrong with selling insurance, but I doubt that is Bob's personal legend or even a remote passion of his. How much greater would it be to say "Bob, the woodworker" or "Bob, the Boys Club basketball coach."
Your scenario with writing/directing the corpumentary is an experience I can relate to and never want to experience again. Where money is involved, it seems that we are willing to compromise ourselves considerably (whether we are full conscious of it or not). And life is compromise, but our dreams and personal legend don't thrive on that system.
I doff my hat to you as well, my friend. Thank you again for this very lovely comment. I can't say it enough.. it means more to me than you realize!
What a profound post...I read it twice. I'm just curious about one thing - have you ever written a book, or do you plan on it?
Run Around Paris... Thank you for the very kind compliment!
I feel really "awake" in my life right now. Writing a book is a HUGE part of my personal legend/true self. I have stopped trying to force myself to write that book, however. Something tells me that I am years off from writing it but I don't know for sure. Maybe it will be much sooner.
For now, I am just growing so immensely as a person and trying to write down thoughts and revelations as they come. But yes, that book is definitely a considerable part of my true self and my destiny. And as I said in my post, I honestly do not think too much about publication. Don't get me wrong...I'm sure I would be thrilled to be published if I was proud of the final product. But that isn't really that important.
I often have this vision of myself living in a beautiful European countryside cottage writing that book in my 40s or 50s. I don't know why, but that vision comes so often and I wonder if I have watched Under the Tuscan Sun one too many times or if it is a genuine vision! :)
b, Wow. I can't believe I found other people that are of kindred mind.
The happiness that I feel torwards those that have their PL in place sometimes overwhelms me to tears. I know it is possible to acheive.
I know about the pressing urgency to go to (or move) to France. It seems that if one puts off a dream that they are "meant" to do, it can turn into an obsession.
Colleen... I just left a comment on your latest post about moving to France. Haha... I think my comment started with "wow" too!! :)
It amazes me that I've found such kindred souls as well. I was feeling rather wayward for quite some time. I was comfortable and going about life but had quieted my PL considerably. And as soon as I broke myself out of that stupor and embraced my PL again, several key kindred souls have appeared in my life, including you. It goes to reiterate one of my very favorite quotes by the brilliant Joseph Campbell:
"If you follow your bliss, you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while, waiting for you, and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living. Wherever you are -- if you are following your bliss, you are enjoying that refreshment, that life within you, all the time. When you can see that, you begin to meet people who are in the field of your bliss, and they open the doors to you. I say, follow your bliss and don't be afraid, and doors will open where you didn't know they were going to be."
I think that the longer we put off our dream, the longer it can become an obsession. But sadly, unless we do something about that obsession, I think we become bitter and will eventually turn against our PL, quieting it for perhaps the rest of our lives. I don't want that for me, for you, for anyone. Let's choose to live a meaningful life and look forward to a day in which we can perhaps meet up somewhere in France and toast to our kindred souls, to feeling more alive than ever!
Some of us have already become bitter. ;-)
And you're right, there is something more than Paris merely being a city of, and for, writers. It's an ephemeral thing, constantly shadowing what we think and feel and it can spring up unawares at nearly any time. It truly is like the madeleine, one simple trigger, and memories, real and imagined of that place, come rushing back.
Your post is also inspirational. It rekindles the spirit of optimism and expectation. It is this sort of energy that we need to be surrounded with in order to succeed. I don't think people need to be pursuing the same goals, but they do need to associate with those energy of aspiration can nourish them.
I also think you should rewrite your dream as a fictional narrative - perhaps as a legendary story. I think of the sorts of myths that aboriginal cultures often have. (Not that you dream narrative is lacking, but I think it has great potential as fiction as well).
(BTW, France is not on my list of places to go. It is on Sofia's. If I had to pick a location to go to to pursue my dreams it would be the wilderness - though, without black flies and mosquitoes.)
Funny you should mention it, that book is in the waiting line of books to be read.
Now that i'm back, 9 degrees seems pretty balmy as most of the time it was -20. That's 80 degrees less than what i'm used to.
b, changing and re-inventing oneself is not an easy task. It's hard. But it's supposed to be right?!
Oh my...what am I going to say to my boss. Argh.
Randal... Oh, I don't think you are bitter. I think you are sardonic! ;-)
Yes, Paris is like the madeleine! And interesting that you bring that up because I have Proust's Swann's Way sitting on my bookshelf waiting to be read (and War and Peace)! Have you read it?
Anyway, Paris does linger in our souls and pervades our creativity. Although I have seen Paris with my own eyes, it still seems so magical to me.
Richard... Thank you. I am glad my optimism and anticipation is felt. I agree that we do need to surround ourselves with that energy to succeed. It is amazing just how uplifting and empowering the feedback on my blog has been. I feel very fortunate!
You know, that is a great idea. I was thinking about The Alchemist yesterday and thought to myself that is the kind of book I want to write. A legendary story based on my dream would be such a great writing experience. Thanks for the idea!
Although Paris is not on your list of places to go, you know I still appreciate you! :) And I do long to be in the wilderness at times, too.
Colleen...Change can be daunting for sure. But I think that first step relieves so much of the pressure we currently feel. As far as what you say to your boss... first, decide to make this move. Tell yourself that you are going to do it and then start thinking about how you can do it...various ways that you and your fiancé can make this happen. Don't worry so much about the absolute details and financial aspect (for too much thinking can also be limiting) but start envisioning your life there.
For me, just saying it out loud and to other people helps in huge ways. It truly affirms that it will happen. If you start looking at this move as definite, when you go to talk to your boss, you will know what to say and you won't be as concerned about his/her response because you are going either way.
By any chance, have you seen Into the Wild? If you haven't, I would definitely recommend running out to the theater to see it immediately. I saw it a few weeks ago and it literally rocked my world. It inspired me in a huge way to really feel the profound difference between existing/attachments and living/true freedom.
b, oh, please read In Search of Lost Time. How I wish I could write one page as good as any random passage of that work. No, go read it now! ;-)
My 'to read' book list is long. *yikes*
Bonjour B!
Wow, that was a beautiful read. I totally believe in what you call the 'personal legend'. I have seen proof in my own life that when you follow your dreams, obstacles crumbles. For me it's a question of always reminding myself to listen to that little voice inside, but it can easily get lost in the 'chatter' of everyday life. Your post was a great reminder, thank you!
And yes Paris is a wonderful city. While living there as a teenager I always dreamt to come to NYC. I followed my dreams, the obstacles crumbled and I moved to NY and found my balance. While I miss France dearly I feel like I'am where i'm meant to be.
Now I just need to figure out where I want life to take me for the next journey!
:-)
Randal... In Search of Lost Time is the series of stories by Proust, with Swann's Way being the first, right? I've read excerpts by Proust and felt much the same way you do. Perhaps I will read that next month after I finish Doctor Zhivago. I'm happy to hear you speak so highly of it.
Colleen... Into the Wild is a book but Sean Penn made it into a movie recently. I have not read the book (although I heard that was brilliant, too) but the movie is incredible! I was referring to the movie. You should definitely go out and see the movie soon... I think it will really inspire your decision to move to France.
Zen Chef... Bonjour! Thank you for stopping by my blog! I appreciate your kind compliment. Yes, there is that little voice that does get lost in the chatter of everyday life. And for me, reminders prove hugely inspiring. So I'm happy you found that here. I am happy to hear that you have followed your dreams to NYC. That is an incredible city...I've been longing to spend a few days there as it has been over a year since I last visited.
I think that our Personal Legend unfolds in time. You followed your dreams and succeeded. You took many steps and then that very huge step to pursue your dream. But there are more steps, no doubt. And that is the exciting aspect of life.
Thanks again for stopping by and inspiring my journey!
Salut b, Thank you for the movie/book tip. Although I mean to go to movies in the theatre, I rarely do. My Netflix queue has a new addition. Oh the long lists!
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