Nostalgia

(noun) a sentimental longing or wistful affection for the past, typically for a period or place with happy personal associations. - Oxford American Dictionaries

The past two or three years have brought about bouts of nostalgia that I never previously knew. It seems that most people become increasingly nostalgic as they get older. This seems natural, given that as we get older we have accumulated more experience and those experiences create layers which form our identity, our behavior, and our perspective. I never thought that I was very prone to nostalgia, as I really do not look at my past as some kind of ideal, nor do I wish to change anything of the past. Even my most seemingly disastrous choices and failings seem to be fundamental to who I am now and I wouldn't change that at all. I feel pretty grounded in the present, with an eye to the near future and fulfilling dreams and goals, as loose as they may be. As lighthearted as my nostalgia for past events and phases of my life seem, nostalgia for love has become entirely different.

I remember having drinks with two of my sisters about two years ago. Interestingly, it is one of those moments in which I remember the exact bar, table, positions we were sitting in, the weather, etc. I had been divorced for a couple of years and had just ended another serious relationship. My sisters were both fresh out of their latest relationships and we sat and commiserated. My sisters told me that I had this uncanny ability to so easily move on, especially where relationships were concerned. They both admitted to feeling helpless and miserable, whereas I seemed so resilient and accepting. Two years later...just a few months ago...one of them told me that I had done a complete reversal since that conversation and that I now appear to struggle more with letting go and this seems singular to relationships. And not just any relationships, but those serious loves. This observation (and one I readily agree with) makes me wonder just what has happened to me. What evolution has taken place to cause what seems to be an emerging sentimentality within me? I don't see it as a negative trait, but I feel it very accutely and wonder how it has emerged. I still feel incredibly resilient with other life events and struggles. But love has taken hold of me in a peculiar way.

I guess I've come to look at it as such: once you feel something deeply, that ability to feel to that depth remains with us forever. We know that we once felt something so powerful and so unnusual. And sometimes when we feel numb or perhaps when our lives become rather stagnant for sometime, we crave that depth of feeling. And where do we feel that more than with love?