Destination: Harmony

this post is a continuation from the previous post, Divine Discontent.

My sister and I stood in line at the book signing. By 10am, it had easily reached beyond 80 degrees. We were fortunate that we arrived a little early as the line was growing rapidly and there was no shade until you reached the tent where Johnathan and Andy Hillstrand sat signing books. We were about 30th in line. I really did feel especially peculiar all morning but wrote it off to what we were doing and the unusual heat. We stood there in silence for awhile, gazing at the crowd and flipping through the Hillstrands' book.

As we neared the tent, my sister turned to me and said with absolute conviction, "one day I'll be at your book signing." She said it with the equal certainty and plainness of a statement like, "we are going to eat after this." This statement had an incredible impact upon me. Not only did I find it so incredibly wonderful that she truly believes this but it forcefully reified my own belief in myself as a writer. I wasn't hopeful in that moment, as is usually the case when I think of myself as a writer... hoping that I might publish something worthy of a book signing. I was absolutely certain.

After meeting the Hillstrands, my sister and I headed back to the car. The peculiar feeling started giving way to an awareness that so much of my restlessness and indecision about where to go and what to do stems from my multi-dimensional nature. Here we were at a book signing with two crab fisherman. That same night, I could be watching Masterpiece Theater and reading Voltaire. I might also be simultaneously baking cupcakes and taking swigs off a bottle of Jack Daniels.

I enthusiastically seek out and celebrate such paradox within other people (I really think this is the good stuff!) but I battle with my own paradoxical nature, always trying to negotiate those different aspects of self. Not only am I paradoxical in my preferences and characteristics, I am highly paradoxical at the core. This can prove highly challenging when people may only want certain aspects of me. It is also highly challenging when I only want to own certain aspects of myself. My wandering nature has been difficult to own at times. It doesn't offer much security and company. But I always overlook what it does offer.

Decisions I usually make require approval from only one or two of these dimensions within myself, usually whichever dimension(s) might be dominating at a particular time. So, ultimately, those other dimensions are neglected and left wanting. And it is only a matter of time before they push to the surface and try to snuff out the currently "ruling" dimension(s). So, choosing one direction comes at a cost to all the others and after a time, I'll inevitably overcompensate and shift directions abruptly. And so, the cycle perpetuates. Thoughts of all this only send me spinning on a merciless merry-go-round, my already active mind on ridiculous overdrive.

As odd as I think I am for feeling so acutely aware of this constant inner struggle, I feel certain that we all possess such struggle. Maybe some are better at quieting that struggle than I am. Why is harmony with our various dimensions so difficult to reach? I laughed when I came upon this road sign for a town named Harmony. Population 18? And an elevation of just 175? Yeah, that sounds about right. Relatively easy to reach, few actually live in Harmony.

As we approached the Columbia River Interstate Bridge, my sister and I talked about my metaphorical crossroads and in her typical matter-of-fact way she said, "I don't understand what is preventing you from just going, just getting in the car and going." We started to cross the bridge. The sun flashed over the steel beams above us, creating dancing shadows that met with the water. We moved across the bridge from north to south and the river below us moved from east to west, headed to the Pacific Ocean. In that moment, suspended between the borders of Washington and Oregon, I knew.

The cloudiness, the confusion, the angst, the restlessness... it all rushed out to sea with the Columbia that day. Clarity was suspended before me. My various dimensions, my wandering spirit, my passion for nature and humanity in its many forms... all require freedom and harmony. Right now, there is not one fixed place in which that harmony can be achieved.

So, I am headed to Paris in July. When I return in August, I will be traveling around the United States by car for an undetermined amount of time. My decision to travel the States over Europe at this time comes as a surprise to no one more than me, a disillusioned American. But that very disillusionment is the fundamental inspiration for this journey, on a very sub-conscious level. Confronting that which we no longer have faith in and challenging ourselves against it... that appeals to me very much. And a great sense of harmony emerges at the very thought of such a journey.

There is so much that brought me to this moment of awareness including the myriad of symbols that consumed me for months. I'll save that for another post, along with my feelings about being American and how this journey is my own personal search for that lost identity. For now, Paris is the only absolute and that is immensely exciting to me as even Paris has tremendous surprises to reveal. I will be giving up my apartment before Paris and thus, the only security will be my job. I'm no trust funder and being able to work remotely was the key piece to being able to realize this journey now.

I am excited beyond words. I am finally embarking on my own Hero's Journey. I suddenly feel a courage I've never known. Of course, I will blog my entire journey and before Paris, I will even start contacting publishers with a book idea centered upon this journey, a step that just weeks ago seemed absurd and impossible.

As far as my road trip, there are a number of places I have in mind but am open to all possibilities. I welcome any suggestions anyone might have and am hoping that this trip will allow me to meet some of you in person along the way!


First image from here.
Second image from here.