Faith

"Often the thing feared, once crossed, turns out to be an unexpected bridge from which we can see who we were and who we are becoming." - Mark Nepo

The last two weeks have been a roller coaster of anxiety and euphoria. I've been okay with letting go of the bookshelves and granite countertops since I posted about them. But the security, the known has been a lot more difficult to willingly let go of. I keep looking off into the distance, towards August, and find myself filled with dread at the thought of being homeless. Staying with family until I go off and travel again, all my things in boxes... there is not a lot of comfort in that transitory vision. Often, the anxiety creeps in and overtakes me in the evenings. I can barely stand it some nights, swigging some Nyquil and going to bed earlier than usual just to shut down those thoughts and quiet the tension in my chest.

Moments of euphoria tend to arise during the day, when I'm engaged in other activities, like work, working out, driving. I realize how young and free I am. I realize that the vivid dreams no longer plague me - dreams of literal baggage, stormy seas, frustration, struggle, anger, awareness. I appreciate that it is relatively easy to find a place to live and that my situation allows me to be patient and find someplace I really like when I'm ready for that again. There is no desperation. I have a job and I have the kindness of family and friends, should I need a place to stay.

Although my ridiculously active dreams subsided the moment I made the decision to let go of my apartment and travel for awhile, I go to bed and periodically awake during the night with a nagging urgency to harness some faith. This urgency is powerful. It can awaken me with such force. I sit upright and gasp for air, choking on a peculiar awareness. I feel so overcome by this need for faith, which is quite distinct from the need for security.

Change is always daunting, even if we intellectually know that the change is good for us. We may feel that the change will yield something wonderful, but that something feels extremely tenuous. And that feeling cannot be rationalized, for it is based almost entirely on optimism. We can't as easily identify the benefits of such life changes, which makes for a rather lean "pros" column on that mental pros and cons list. Pro: um, I think this will make me feel more alive? Con: I will be homeless. The weight of the palpable cons can easily shake the optimism of any such tenuous pros. The uncertainty is both exciting and frightening, as many of you have gently reminded me in your thoughtful comments.

A few posts back, the lovely and talented illustrator and story teller, Susan, mentioned in a comment that "Frequently, at our moments of greatest happiness we find a core of emptiness - a longing for something permanent and beautiful that will last forever which we understand can never be in physical manifestation. That's where prayer and meditation enter." This comment has stuck with me since and feels like an "aha" moment but one that requires constant attention and surrender. It is impossible to find ultimate faith in a plan or anything tangible, really. And ultimate happiness seems to be much the same in that regard. There can be hope and anticipation in a journey, a place, a life changing decision. But faith (and again, happiness) seems to be a force that does not (should not) exist conditionally. Faith should not be conditional upon anything that could be placed on a pros and cons list.

I realize that I'm so hell-bent on trying to figure out how everything will come together in August and beyond that I'm overlooking something huge: Paris in July. What will that do to me, how I will I feel when there, when I return? Those are the exciting questions that really should be just that: exciting questions that don't require answers or even analyzing, but provide absolute delight in the mere wonder they produce as open questions. Acknowledging Paris brings me back even more so, to the present. Being present. How important that is and how profoundly I've lost sight of it! And this is due in large to a lack of faith.

Faith requires constant feeding. Months ago I was reading from the Tao and Mark Nepo's "The Book of Awakening," each morning with my coffee. I felt an incredible peace, starting my day in such a way and carrying the simple message and building faith with me throughout the day. I still had rough days and angst but it seems that they were easier to manage and accept overall. I felt a greater sense of faith in my ability to understand all manner of feelings, situations, people, etc. The faith that I felt building from this daily practice was by no mean a superhero cape that protected me from any hurt or struggle. Rather, it seemed a gentle and pervasive acceptance that was almost gauze-like... providing a sense of comfort in its delicate protection but in its transparent quality it did not alienate or hide me from life and others.

Somehow, I stopped those morning readings and replaced them with blogging and trying to write a bit before work, both of which are also very important to me. But I didn't make room at all in the rest of my day for those meditations and gradually their messages have become distant and faint words. I feel the void and these nighttime "awakenings" make that all the more clear.

Faith is like a garden that requires tending. If we neglect it, we have to re-seed it. Weather challenges the garden constantly but with diligence and surrender, the garden will always yield a lasting contentment, because it isn't so much the crop it yields as much as it is just the soil/earth itself. Thank you all for lending your helping hands to my own garden. It requires less re-seeding because of your faith in me. (And I promise, I'm now done with the garden analogy!)

La Belette Rouge will be here tomorrow and I get to meet Function of Time and Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien this coming weekend!! I get to see family and friends this week!! And Paris is now just 15 days away!! In Paris, I'll be able to meet more wonderful bloggers like La Page Francaise, Marie, and hopefully others!! The realization of all this planning and change is really right before me, finally. And despite all the angst and challenges that I know will always emerge from time to time, I feel ready to take the leap of faith and enjoy the view from that wondrous and unexpected bridge!