Being Alive Takes Time

Being alive takes time. I wrote these words on a post-it note by my computer. These words have been sitting here for a few months now. I can't remember exactly what inspired me to write them down or where I found this statement. But here they are staring at me. Some days I wonder what the hell that statement even means to me. Some days I want to replace those words with, being alive is fucking hard. But let's face it, we need no reminder of that.

I know I'm not alone in saying that I've been feeling a pretty wicked malaise for awhile now. This malaise breaks on occasion with happy thoughts of Paris and my other upcoming travels. The malaise even breaks for a beautiful moon or a happy dog in passing. Yet, the malaise seems to pervade. It's just a matter of degree. And the malaise easily finds opportunity to feed itself on all manner of things. I got my hair done yesterday and opted to go lighter instead of darker. Immediately after, I felt irritated that I didn't go darker but I'd be feeling the opposite if I had done the opposite. Just below the surface, I know full well that it isn't the hair. It's just an opportunity for that malaise to manifest itself in apparent ways... in this case, every time I pass a mirror. Oh, that malaise knows what it is doing!

When I think about this malaise, I think about how hard we can be on ourselves. I truly read other bloggers' feelings about their/your own malaise, frustration, anxiety, exhaustion with it all... and I feel that they/you are so very courageous. I fully appreciate the honesty of such expression and I see incredible human beings tackling life with passion and authenticity. I feel connected and compassionate. I know that there is no success without failure, no courage without fear. I embrace this struggle in others. However, I just see myself as a hot mess.

Being alive is difficult and that is why it takes time. I don't perceive this statement as asserting that it takes a certain amount of time to reach "aliveness" but rather, once we commit to being fully alive, it takes patience and time to grow. That choice to be fully alive comes with great (and often rather painful) awareness. We are aware of who we are, where we've been, what patterns we've been automatically following that might be incongruent with who we really are. And that is a heavy load. Of course we will feel malaise, sadness, frustration, loss, anxiety. Huge changes are afoot for all of us.

There is a duality in everything and a degree to that duality. The more we dare to be alive, the more likely we will feel the depths of pain. But with such comes tremendous heights of happiness, too. There is no escaping sadness, pain, struggle. And why should there be? The struggle is essential. These are the times we really discover what we are about, what matters to us, what splintering path we are to take on this journey.

And no, we can't fully appreciate this on our own. We are hard on ourselves, we see failure instead of valiant effort, weakness instead of strength. But we have each other. In just the last two weeks, reading about your various struggles has made me stronger, more brave, more accepting of my own struggles. Thank you all for that! I don't read your blogs because you have exciting lives, because you live in France or are planning to. I read your blogs because you are authentic and share a part of yourself that transcends place and the material. You are alive and not only does that take time but it takes balls tremendous courage and strength of character. I consider myself so fortunate that each of you share yourselves so freely and beautifully. It is a steady source of inspiration.

The only other quote I have at my desk right now is a Chinese proverb postcard that reads, "do not fear slow progress, but do fear stagnation." Be gentle with yourselves, dear readers. And I'll promise to try and do the same for myself. And when that fails us, we have one another to lean on. Thanks for holding me up so willingly!

Direction

I feel torn. I feel that I'm standing smack in the middle of this pictured crossroads. There is nothing strongly inducing me to move in one direction over the others. However, the feeling of pleasant isolation this crossroads initially brought about is wearing thin. Yet, despite being ultimately free to move in any direction I choose, despite feeling that I could find my way back to this crossroads if necessary, I find myself rendered utterly immobile.

I feel restless. I know myself. I know that I stagnate in too-familiar surroundings. I've known since I was very young that I had to travel, that I had to live other places and experience a significant "out of my element" feeling. However, I'm standing here, in this crossroads and not hearing a sound. I believe I see glimpses of what might be down each road, but just as quickly, I am enveloped in silence.

I feel that I could take various directions with my life and not one seems particularly "right" or "better." All I really "know" is that I'm a writer. That is the only constant. There is no fixed physical destination in my mind but rather, a myriad of places I could live. I see a life in Paris, learning French at the Sorbonne, writing in cafés and taking the train to the countryside frequently. I see a life in the South, languid days sitting on a porch with ceiling fans, writing in the early morning, watching a huge sun emerge from the eastern horizon and setting over a western marsh.

I feel an ever growing desire for a more rural life. When I drive out to see my sister E in the country, I reach this point when the miserable suburbs and freeways are behind me and the sky just opens up before me and I feel my soul expand exponentially. My dad's stories of growing up on a farm in Illinois speak more to me than ever. I feel such felicity riding his John Deere around the yard and whilst mowing his lawn, I fantasize about having acres of my own land to mow, the sun dipping in the western sky, returning to a house with a huge porch, drinking a beer and listening to Górecki's "Symphony No.3" with a yellow lab at my feet and a strong, masculine man that will pick me up on a whim and adore my paradoxical quirks.

I know that I could have the best-of-both-worlds, living in a rural environment not far from a city. But where? Here? I just don't know. I just feel this enormous internal pressure to go. I feel that there is something out there that is imperative to living a truly fulfilling life. So, why do I feel immobile? Because I don't know where to start, I don't want to completely let go of what is here? Sometimes I think I'm just waiting for life to happen to me. And other times I feel that if writing is my one constant, why don't I start there and fully put myself into that and let the rest unfold? Well, my month in Paris is on the horizon and I've told myself to just weather this restlessness until July and once I'm home in August, go from there.

“I believe that there is a subtle magnetism in Nature, which, if we unconsciously yield to it, will direct us aright. It is not indifferent to us which way we walk. There is a right way; but we are very liable from heedlessness and stupidity to take the wrong one. We would fain take that walk, never yet taken by us through this actual world, which is perfectly symbolical of the path which we love to travel in the interior and ideal world; and sometimes, no doubt, we find it difficult to choose our direction, because it does not yet exist distinctly in our idea.”
-Henry David Thoreau

*Image from here.

The Universe Conspires

"When you want something,
all the universe conspires
in helping you to achieve it."
-Paulo Coelho

I've long known what it is I want to pursue (namely, writing and being a writer) and that immersing myself in the avenues of inspiration that speak to my soul best (travel, reading, nature, connecting with others) will truly yield a fulfilling and happy life. When I'm really focused on my dreams/Personal Legend, the universe repeatedly shows me that it is conspiring to help me achieve those dreams. But sometimes we need to proclaim those dreams... we need to not only carry them within ourselves, but we need to throw them out into the universe.

I return again and again to this notion and quote of the universe conspiring, now more than ever. Before a year ago, I don't know that I really embraced all this simple statement promises. However, I am now awake. I have never felt so in tune with the natural force of life and its tremendous gifts. Undeniably, reading has always opened me up in tremendous ways. The Alchemist, Joseph Campbell, the Tao Te Ching, and literature (from Herman Hesse to Dostoevsky) have all helped me reach this point of awareness and acceptance. These influences have found me at the right time but not without my calling out to the universe, asking for them, but obscurely. And so they have become amazing and rewarding surprises, presenting themselves at the most opportune time.

Amazing things are happening in my life right now. An amazing sense of strength and spirit is guiding me so clearly. Amazing people are emerging and offering me gifts of friendship that are so unreal to me. I feel so in sync with who I truly am and all that I want for my life.

Months ago, I proclaimed to the universe that I wanted to go back to Paris. The desire and strong sense that this was something imperative to my destiny overcame me. Before I knew it, I posted my desire and love of Paris here on this blog. I started connecting with people who shared this love of Paris and before I knew it, I secured an apartment in Paris for the month of July. Just a few weeks ago, I watched my sister's pet for her while she was away on business for two weeks. In appreciation, she offered me ALL her airline miles, which will pay for my roundtrip ticket to Paris!

At the same time I started posting about my love of Paris, I was also telling the universe that I really wanted "someone" in my life that would "get me." Of course, I thought this was a plea for a meaningful, all encompassing, intimate relationship with a man but it is interesting that over and over in my mind it was just that statement, "I really want someone in my life that gets me." And so, I threw it out into the universe, just like that. Amidst such, I had also been feeling that I do not have strong friendships in my life right now and specifically, great female friends. I'm fortunate to have my sisters and they are certainly my friends but I started feeling a void of female friendships. And I found myself saying that aloud to my sister one night when we were out for drinks.

Not long after that, I met my friend Melissa at the gym. She worked at the front desk and we would greet each other in passing as I came in and out of the gym. She graciously put up with my repeated requests to change the televisions in the cardio area to certain football games and one day when I saw her reading Hemingway at work, we started talking about literature. That was about four months ago and it feels as though we have long been friends. Interests in literature, LOST, and great conversations about a myriad of things have all been eagerly shared over many drinks and great food. She listens so willingly and with such compassion. Truly a sincere friend.

At this same time, I also found my sister soul mate, LBR. Having declared to the universe that I wanted so badly to have someone in my life that "gets me" produced more than I ever could have imagined in her friendship. Meeting via our blogs, we really connected at a time of seeming darkness. From there, amazing connections between us continued to unfold and there seems to be this endless amount of lovely surprises in our friendship. Our mutual interest in Paris, writing, literature, symbols, dreams, and the most insane silliness... astounds me daily. How could I find someone so absolutely and equally eager to consume large quantities of macarons and Jack Daniels simultaneously?!?! The spectrum of emotions and topics we cover and with such equal enthusiasm and openness is surreal to me. But it is all very real... here she is in my life and I cannot adequately express the sense of hope and strength I find in her friendship daily.

A large part of my courage in having faith to book my trip to Paris stems from her desire to do the same. Meeting her in this way and at this time is no mere coincidence. How could you possibly explain that before having even known the other person existed, we both had it set in our individual minds that we wanted to be in Paris for the entire month of July and that this trip to Paris was not just a vacation, but a necessary part of our destiny?!?! This immense sense of friendship stems not only from what interests we share. There is this somewhat indescribable luminosity about her friendship, all that she opens me up to, her compassion and support, her laughter and openness. I feel that I bare myself and my absolute darkest experiences and struggles with absolute trust. We lean on one another but without any concerted effort. She is truly a gift to my life and that is such an understatement.

So, here the universe has conspired and made my life abundant with female friendships that have long been absent from my life. Here I am, about to go to Paris for a month. The ticket and apartment are essentially secured and with my incredibly flexible job, my being gone is an absolute non-issue, thanks to a wonderful boss who so values life outside of work. I've been so happy and grateful for all that the universe has conspired to bring me, because I am on that true path. Yet, I was still cognizant that my relationships with men continue to feel precarious. A lingering relationship that I've found myself with one foot in and one foot out of, sometimes longing to return to it despite all the signs from the universe that it is not right. The disappointment and sting of male "friends" who reveal that they don't really want just a platonic friendship with me despite a foundation that does indeed point to the possibility of a good friendship.

However, the universe conspires again. I have met another incredible friend at the gym (yes, I go to the gym A LOT). His peaceful energy and insightful nature add so much depth and inspiration to my life. My fears of his possessing ulterior motives were quickly dispelled and I feel that this relationship will not only lend to my growth as a creative spirit, but it is already proving such a healing balm to the bruises of my past where male relationships are concerned, providing me with a sense of a healthy male friendship. He is also a writer (again, how could such be considered mere coincidence?) and our conversations are so inspiring to my own writing and creative direction. It is amazing how his influence has already brought about increased authenticity and a fuller perception of everything in my daily life.

Maybe this is all too touchy-feely or Pollyanna for some of you. I know that it may have been for me many years ago. Chance and luck are only a part of life. Why do we refuse to acknowledge that when we are true to our nature, when we trust and open ourselves, when we scrape away all that we think we need/want and peel back the superficial layers... then and only then do we really live full and abundant lives. Why do we feel that happiness and fulfillment must come from sacrificing years and years to meaningless pursuits, hoping that commitment to such will somehow allow us to stumble upon some jackpot of happiness? All that happiness and fulfillment require are assent to our true destinies. No force, no anguish, no real sacrifice is really required. The abundance is just waiting for each and everyone and it is inexhaustible. The universe does not discriminate. But we have to ask for it, we have to give ourselves willingly and wholly to the possibilities.

I feel so grateful for every little moment in my day. My senses are so heightened to all that is around me. I am happy and free. I am awake and truly alive. I am grateful to the universe for bringing each and everyone of you into my life. Thank you for the many gifts you bestow upon me so willingly.

French Phrase #2

Je fais peau neuve

(I'm turning over a new leaf)

Literal: I'm getting new skin.

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. The old skin has to be shed before the new one can come." - Joseph Campbell

Flowering of Our Humanity

"One way or another, 

we all have to find what best fosters 

the flowering of our humanity 

in this contemporary life, 

and dedicate ourselves to that."

-Joseph Campbell

Rain

"Into each life some rain must fall, 

some days must be dark and dreary."

"The best thing one can do when it's raining is to let it rain."

-Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

It has been raining like mad the last two days. Laying in bed last night, the wind and rain were so powerful they produced an ironically peaceful feeling. Early this morning I had to move my car off the street, as they were street sweeping. I parked about four blocks away and the walk back home felt surprisingly warm and dry for as much rain and wind as there was. It feels (as terribly obvious a statement as it is) immensely cleansing. And it couldn't come at a better time for me after a week in which I found myself feeling emotionally turbulent. But the rain doesn't seem dark and gloomy to me. It actually brings with it a tremendous sense of clarity. And my true path becomes less obscure again. 

So I tread on...rain or shine.

My Little Spirit

"My little spirit, see,
Sits in a foggy cloud,
and stays for me."
-William Shakespeare


*Image from here.

Goodbye, October

"There is no season when such pleasant and sunny spots may be lighted on, and produce so pleasant an effect on the feelings, as now in October."

Nathaniel Hawthorne


*Image from here.

Beguiling October

"O hushed October morning mild,
Thy leaves have ripened to the fall;
Tomorrow's wind, if it be wild,
Should waste them all.
The crows above the forest call;
Tomorrow they may form and go.
O hushed October morning mild,
Begin the hours of this day slow.
Make the day seem to us less brief.
Hearts not averse to being beguiled,
Beguile us in the way you know.
Release one leaf at break of day;
At noon release another leaf;
One from our trees, one far away."
-Robert Frost, October


*Image from here.

Between

"But let there be spaces in your togetherness and let the winds of the heavens dance between you. Love one another but make not a bond of love: let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls."

-Kahlil Gibran

*Image from here.

In Our Own Element

The following daily meditation was taken from Mark Nepo's The Book of Awakening:

"A fish cannot drown in water. A bird does not fall in air. Each creature God made must live in its own true nature."
-Mechthild of Magdeburg

Somewhere in the Middle Ages in a remote part of Germany, this introspective seer came upon the wisdom that living in our own natural element is the surest way to know the inner prosperity of health, peace, and joy.

Her examples are striking; all we have to do is put the fish in air and the bird in water to see the dangers of being what we are not. Of course, it is very clear and obvious for both the fish and the bird where they belong. Not so for us humans.

Part of the blessing and challenge of being human is that we must discover our own true God-given nature. This is not some noble, abstract quest, but an inner necessity. For only by living in our own element can we thrive without anxiety. And since human beings are the only life form that can drown and still go to work, the only species that can fall from the sky and still fold laundry, it is imperative that we find that vital element that brings us alive.

I vividly recall my struggles as a teenager when my mother wanted me to be a lawyer and my father wanted me to be an architect. Somehow I knew I needed to be a poet; something in it brought me alive. The only one to understand was my boyhood friend Vic, who in the midst of qualifying strongly for pre-med studies, realized he needed to be a florist. For something in working with flowers brought him alive.

This is not about being a poet or a florist or a doctor or a lawyer or an architect. It is about the true vitality that waits beneath all occupations for us to tap into, if we can discover what we love. If you feel energy and excitement and a sense that your life is happening for the first time, you are probably near your God-given nature. Joy in what we do is not an added feature; it is a sign of deep health.

-Mark Nepo

*Image from here.

Approaching Wisdom

"The foliage has been losing its freshness through the month of August, and here and there a yellow leaf shows itself like the first gray hair amidst the locks of a beauty who has seen one season too many."
-Oliver Wendell Holmes

*Image from here.

Ah, Autumn

"No spring nor summer beauty hath such grace as I have seen in one autumnal face."
~John Donne

Need I say more?! College football starts today, my fantasy football draft is tomorrow night, autumn is upon us...life is beautiful!

I love, love, love this time of year. Saturdays spent in bed in sweats watching college football, going for coffee, kicking through autumn leaves, listening to David Gray, harvest moons, crisp air, pumpkin pie, and so much more! Autumn is my favorite season. I know that spring is often deemed the season of renewal but autumn has always been my best season...where I most often realize my dreams, feel most connected with my soul, and find harmony with myself rather effortlessly.

Be prepared for many more autumnal musings!

8/17

"I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all."

-Alfred Lord Tennyson

Plunge

"Be not the slave of your own past. Plunge into the sublime seas, dive deep and swim far, so you shall come back with self-respect, with new power, with an advanced experience that shall explain and overlook the old."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

From Your Soul

"When you do things from your soul you feel a river moving in you, a joy. When action comes from another section, the feeling disappears."

-Jalal ad-Din Muhammad Rumi

No Man is an Island

Certainly, you've heard this phrase. My mention of it here was inspired by back and forth commenting between Richard and myself a couple of posts below, here. This phrase is also particularly ringing true in my life right now, as I am feeling incredibly inspired by the opportunity to actively better humanity. And really, we can't fully enjoy the experience of living a fulfilling life unless we first give ourselves completely to it.

In its full origin: "All mankind is of one author, and is one volume; when one man dies, one chapter is not torn out of the book, but translated into a better language; and every chapter must be so translated...As therefore the bell that rings to a sermon, calls not upon the preacher only, but upon the congregation to come: so this bell calls us all: but how much more me, who am brought so near the door by this sickness....No man is an island, entire of itself...any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind; and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee." -John Donne (1572-1631) as appearing in Devotions Upon Emergent Occasions, Meditation XVII.

Essentially, the meaning, as simply (and thus, perfectly) as it is stated on The Phrase Finder, is that "human beings do not thrive when isolated from others." We often feel that we should be able to do it all on our own, that we are inadequate because we don't possess "enough" strengths to do it all. In my own life this burdened notion has plagued my abilities considerably. For so long, I have beaten myself up over the characteristics I don't possess, rather than manifesting those I do. I also have a great tendency to turn inward and can easily isolate myself in thought. But there comes a point in which even I am now aware, that too much isolation and introspection can be unhealthy. We belong to a community for a reason. We are not here to act out our own desires all the time. Anyone who has had a bout of utter selfishness (and really, haven't we all?!) realizes how completely empty it is. I think it is important to look inward but not only so that we should know ourselves better but for the ultimate end of being willing and able to more fully contribute our strengths and character to the collective community.

No man is an island. Think about that phrase. An island. Even a big island is very limited. Without a doubt "successful" people (however you personally define that word) do not achieve such success entirely on their own. The support and encouragement of others made their success possible. It is ridiculous to esteem Donald Trump or Michael Jordan solely because they worked hard to develop themselves. Their success is due in large to the fact that they effectively utilized the talents of others, they relied on support and encouragement from others, and called upon role models for inspiration and resilience. It reminds me of the history of the yeoman farmer, particularly in the Appalachians. Each of these freeholding farmers had their own particular expertise in a specific crop/farm/ability. They lived in clusters so as to benefit from one another's expertise. A dairy farmer, a sheep herder, a blacksmith, seamstress, etc. They each manifested their abilities to not only make a living for themselves but so as to effectively participate in a community. This made each member of the community immensely valuable.

Now there is undeniably this fierce value of individualism. So often, society expects the impoverished to bootstrap themselves out of their situation, as though these impoverished people have all the means and opportunities that we do. Think for a minute...what if the coffee growers in Brazil or the dairy farmers in America stopped producing, regardless of government or corporate intervention? We may not realize, but we rely on the efforts and expertise of others for almost everything we have. We also may not full realize that these people are often exploited for our benefit. But it doesn't have to be this way. And I am not saying that awaress of such requires that we relinquish our individual hopes and desires altogether. But why can't we help one another achieve such? Isn't it much easier to build a house with the help of others?

Collective consciousness is key. But we must first, as individuals raised in a society that esteems individualism, establish an individual awareness that we are part of something bigger than ourselves. And that something, humanity, must be nurtured above all else. We cannot realize our full potential in isolation.

Perfection

"Listen well, dear friend, listen well! The sinner that I am and that you are is a sinner, but someday he will be a Brahmin again, some day he will achieve Nirvana, he will be a Buddha. And now listen: This 'someday' is an illusion, is merely a metaphor! The sinner is not on the way to becoming a Buddha, he is not involved in a development, although our thinking cannot imagine things in any other way. No, the sinner now and today, already contains the future Buddha, his future is fully here; you must worship the sinner, in you, in everyone, the developing, the possible, the hidden Buddha.

"The world, my friend, Govinda, is not imperfect or developing slowly toward perfection. No, the world is perfect at every moment, all sin already contains grace, all youngsters already contain oldsters, all babies contain death, all the dying contain eternal life. It is not possible for any man to see how far along another man is on his way; Buddha is waiting in robbers and dicers, the robber is waiting in the Brahmin. In deep meditation it is possible to eliminate time, to see all past, all present, all developing life as coexisting, and everything is good, everything perfect, everything is Brahma.

"This is why that which is seems good to me, death seems like life, sin seems like saintliness, cleverness like foolishness, everything must be like that, everything needs only my assent, only my willingness, my loving agreement; it is good for me like that, it can never harm me. In my body and in my soul I realized that I greatly needed sin, I needed lust, vanity, the striving for goods, and I needed the most shameful despair to learn how to give up resistance, to learn how to love the world, to stop comparing the world with any world that I wish for, that I imagine, with any perfection that I think up; I learned how to let the world be as it is, and to love it and to belong to it gladly."

-Herman Hesse, Siddhartha

Suffering

" . . .suffering has been stronger than all other teaching, and has taught me to understand what your heart used to be. I have been bent and broken, but - I hope - into a better shape."

-Charles Dickens, Great Expectations

Resignation

Sadly, sadly, the sun rose; it rose upon no sadder sight than the man of good abilities and good emotions, incapable of their directed exercise, incapable of his own help and his own happiness, sensible of the blight on him, and resigning himself to let it eat him away.

-Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities